Real History Test Answers

These are reported to be actual answers made by eleven year olds to History tests:

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

3. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

4. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

5. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

6. In medieval times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

7. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

8. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

9. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

10. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. MORE!

Things the Movies Taught Us

1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

4. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any part of the building without difficulty.

5. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

6. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

7. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

8. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

9. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

10. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon. MORE!

So It Was In the Bible

The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected; even bad spelling has been left in:

1. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

2. Lots wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

3. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

4. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

5. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

6. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

7. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

8. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

9. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone.

10. A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony. MORE!

The Bai Lawanen Jaycees are
starting on a JC Chapter Pin
Exchange! Jaycees usually do
so during conventions, but why
wait for these annual events?
In exchange of official Bai
Lawanen Jaycee chapter pins,
we are looking for other JC
chapter or convention pins from
all over the world! If you have a
pin to spare from your own
collection, please email us and
we will be very happy to hear
from you! We're waiting!

Mother to adult daughter:
"Men are only after one thing -
the TV remote control."
- B.Hoest & J.Reiner,
Kings Features Syndicate

How to get a raise:
Request meeting with the
boss. Calmly outline
accomplishments. Use words
such as future and growth.
Threaten to quit. Quit. Depart
for higher-paying position
elsewhere. You did go in with
another job offer, right?
-T.Allen, Esquire

Little Girl to her friend:
"I'm never having kids."
Friend: "Why not?"
Little Girl: "I hear they take
nine months to download."
-B.Hoest & J.Reiner, Parade

Unpunctuated sentence:
A woman without her
man is nothing.
Man's version:
"A woman, without
her man, is nothing."
Woman's version:
"A woman! without
her, man is nothing."

Txter Official Theme Song...
So txt me & smyl 4 me,
txt me dat u'l wait 4 me,
txt me dat u'l never let me go,
so txt me on a jet plane!
O, bat kumakanta ka na?

Nabasa mo ba sa dyaryo
na yung radiation due 2
sending txt msgs is
cancerous... tumigil na tayo!
Ayoko na! Ayoko nang
magbasa ng dyaryo!

Totoo kaya na ang mga
CUTE ay mahina sa isfeling
at grammers? My gas!
Did they sure?
What das they proof?
It is hurts to ass.
I dont bilieve these, does u?